When He asks

When He asks...you do.  Whatever it is.  You have a choice of course, but not really, you know?  Because who in their right mind, once they've come to know Jesus, would want to ever live life without Him?  And if you're given an opportunity to do something for Him - even if it means it'll cost you more than you imagined - will you do it?  I mean, wouldn't you want to do it?

I've been faced with such a choice.

He has asked me to lay down my life for another.  And by that I don't mean dying for someone - not in the literal, physical sense - but dying to me.  My hopes.  My dreams.  Giving up my heart desires.

And trust Him.  

So He can do what He needs to do in that person's life.  And mine.

It's been difficult.

You see, I made a decision that was years in the making; years and years of neglect will eventually lead you to a place where your heart grows cold.  A place where the thought of this being your life.forever.is too much to bear.  It wasn't an easy decision either.  There was so much to consider; remembering that it wasn't just about me.  I've come close before - to the decision - but somehow always held back and tried again. But this time. It was enough.  I was done. 

Jesus came and spoke.  

Initially I couldn't hear clearly because my heart was in turmoil and my head so tired.  But I persisted in seeking Him; and He faithfully answered.

“You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:13

Only the answer wasn't what I hoped.  At least, not now; it would've been two months ago.  But not now; I'd crossed THE LINE.  The timing was all wrong.  

But He spoke. And I heard.

I've been fighting it. What He's asking. Wrestling with Him.

I haven't had peace.  

Until...
I said ok.  Have Your way.  I give you this broken heart, and trust You with it.

I won't lie: I'm not overjoyed, but I have peace and that for me is worth far more.  It means I made the right decision.  It means He is with me. 

“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” pHILIPPIANS 4:7

I don't know how it'll all play out, and truth be told I'm struggling to let go of my desires {and my hurts}, but I know that He is in control.  That He has my life in the palm of His hand.  I know He will work it all out for my good. 

I know He doesn't just fix things.  He makes them new.

So, I'm holding on.  I'm trusting in His goodness; in His grace.  I'm choosing hope.

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