He's becoming a man

My son told me he asked a girl out.  As in, to be his girlfriend.

I gasped.

He's not quite yet 14.  A girlfriend?

We've chatted about this on many occasions.  I've always told him it's ok to have a friend that holds a little more of your heart than another, but that he had time to get serious about one girl.  I reminded him that whenever you're in a romantic relationship you give a piece of yourself away, and it's best to keep all of himself for his forever girl.

I shared with him my mistakes at a young age.  Mistakes I don't want him to make.  Regrets I don't want him to have.

Deep breath.  Slowly exhale.

So it's finally arrived.  Manhood.  And I'm having to let go a little more.

He shared with me that she, like him, wants to be a doctor, and that like him she loves cooking. She cooks for her family every night; and watches the cooking channel all the time. He shared with me her dream to one day own a cafe, while she practices medicine.

He told me he prays for her.  That they discuss Jesus and the things of God and encourage one another to live their lives His way.  He told me how he counselled her about a bullying incident: to love the one who bullied her because that's Jesus' way. But he encouraged her to stand her ground; that bullies are powerless when confronted. He told her he wouldn't allow her to get hurt.

He shared all this.  And my tears flowed.

He's leading her.  Teaching her in the ways of the Lord.  As men are to lead their women.

I've always encouraged him to take his place of leadership where he can.  When he's the only, or oldest, man in the house, or wherever we may be, he takes the lead and prays for us.  Men were created to lead.

My heart is full.  Years of prayer. Of sacrifice. Of doing it alone. It's bearing fruit.

I had him when I was 24.  I had been surviving for years.  His dad and I were in a relationship, but we were unmarried.  We'd been together for five years by the time he arrived.  I had travelled a little and had come back home to study.  I was one of three selected by a large law firm to start work in the new year.  Things were looking promising. 

I remember it clearly.  I had given my life to Jesus in October, and in November I found out I was pregnant.  In that first week of decision making many suggestions were made, including abortion.  The facts were real: you're not married, you're still studying, you're going to lose your job before you even begin it, no medical aid.  It was a long list of fear.  But in the deepest depths of my heart a voice gently whispered "no".  When my friend who had first taken me to church called with urgency and, before I even had a chance to sit down, said "Jackie, God wants me to tell you not to kill your son", I knew.  That was the answer; I would have him.

My prayer was simple: "Ok. I don't really know You, but if You want me to have this child, You must look after him."

And He did.

After speaking to my future employers, choosing to tell them the truth, they decided to keep me.  I had a job, I got medical aid and a month before he arrived, his dad and I married.  

I started a journal and wrote him love letters.  So many love letters. I was teaching him about life before his first breath. I put earphones over my belly and shared with him my favourite music.  I talked to him all the time.  

Just over a year ago, he found that journal and asked if he could read it.  It had been my intention to give it to him when he was 16 - when he could understand with the depth of his heart - but I agreed to give it to him then.  He wept at those words.  Knowing how much he was wanted.  How dearly he was loved.  

When he was born, like Hannah, I gave him back to God:  "He's yours; Your son."

“So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD.” - 1 Samuel 1:28

He's not without fault.  I know his flaws well.  Through the years there have been challenges, but I've never been alone.  Christ has never forsaken me. He has remained ever faithful.

“The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” - Deuteronomy 31:8

And when the struggles overwhelm, I'm reminded of His goodness to me, and I humbly say, "Take care of my boy; Your son."

And now, today, as I'm learning to let go, I am reminded of His faithfulness, that my son belongs to Him.  That I trust Him because He has been by my side always.

He was with us then.  And He's with us now.

And He's with my son, as he's becoming a man.

A Mpumalanga adventure

It's not often that we get out of the city for a break away; our schedules, and budget, don't allow for it.  But with my godmother's daughter's impending wedding came an opportunity for the family to get away from the routine of our usual lives and head out to Mpumalanga; a part of the country I spent the first years of my life living in.  

Last year while looking for potential accommodation I came across a lovely place out on Lake da Gama, en route to Hazyview, that ticked off all my boxes {you know, budget, easy driving distance of the wedding venue, pretty. Always pretty}.

The day before we were to leave, a colleague mentioned that she'd received notification of flood warnings in the area we were going to. News of people being swept away in their cars bothered me. Some. After some urgent calls to said godmother she convinced me to drive down anyway.  So we did.  With children in tow, we headed off.

Five and a half hours later - 9pm or there abouts - we found ourselves happily stuck in a traffic jam in the middle of a pine forest, cars at a complete standstill, the sky bright with the light of the stars and the air thick and crisp; oh just to take a deep breath of fresh, country air! I was tempted to get out the car to take it all in, but with only the light of the stars for visibility, and me being a Joburg girl, I didn't think it wise to do so. Instead we did what all good Joburg residents do when they find themselves in such situations: we opened up the windows and generously {loudly} shared our taste in music with our fellow traffic jammers and let it echo through the forest.

We eventually moved on after about 20 minutes and made our way down a little meander off the tarred road.  My car is really low and not suitable for off-road driving so I was exceptionally happy to find the majority of the way paved. My children laughed each time I said, "Yay, paving!". We were also greatly encouraged by the signs along the way, like the one that appeared just after I said "Where is this place?!" which read "You're just around the corner, just 2kms more to go". Yes. It did freak me out a little. Mind reading signs and all.

We awoke the next day to thunderous rain.  It was spectacular.  But the view even more so.

I sat on the deck for a few hours just listening to the rain, watching the clouds and mist roll in over the lake.  Somehow, despite the torrential downpour, there was a stillness that permeated the air.  The kind that finds its way into your soul and settles there.

Stillness.

Just what I needed.

The children on the other hand could not wait to go exploring regardless of the downpour.

My baby girl did it in style.

And as with all adventures, food must follow.

And the obligatory photos of just my girl and I.  She loves being in them and loves me taking them.  I happily oblige. {That's me sans make up.  Just in case you couldn't tell}

And then of course, just of my baby girl. She's the sweetest.

With our bellies now full we decided to explore the lodge, and we all agreed it must be spectacular in summer. 

My sweet girl's interpretation of what it means to be a "lady".

It was short lived {and yes, those are my boots}.

My boy looking awfully grown up.

He prides himself in having "discovered" the library.

I love that they built around that enormous tree trunk; I think it so beautiful.

Look out the window to the right.  The rain was pouring down.

I did say I like pretty.  And it certainly was.

Carefully planning the timing, we eventually headed off to the wedding.

Three hours later, hopelessly lost thanks to my GPS, and after a search party came to our rescue, we managed to make it to the wedding...reception! 

It was an adventure; that's what we tell ourselves.

And it was a gorgeous reception.  The most elegant wedding I've ever attended.

She wore a dress.  Just for me.

And my boy, looking more and more like a man, looked so handsome.

She loves me.  And the camera - a lot.

My baby girl's kind-of date for the evening. They kept their distance. Despite both sets of parents encouraging communication and the kindling of a friendship.  I know: it won't always be this way.

They're both opening the gifts they received from the bride and groom.  A very sweet, thoughtful touch which was greatly appreciated.  And loved by my baby girl.

These two on the other hand got on famously.  They enjoyed each other's company, and my boy even got contact details (ha!).  And what a lovely, grounded, passionate and ambitious young lady.

I've been a witness to the bride's life through the years. Her mom, my godmother, has been a part of my life since I was in nappies. My godmother has been a friend, counsellor and mother figure to me through the years; I adore her. They are my family. It was a treasure to be part of this significant milestone in the sweet bride's life.  She is a beautiful, graceful, young woman.  

The sweet, ever graceful bride in her spectacularly beautiful gown imported from Spain.  My photos do it no justice. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.  We love you, sweet girl.

The following day brought with it a sense of new beginnings which was apt.  Everything looked and felt  fresh; the clouds now but a memory, the sun shone brightly and the heat of the lowveld was welcomed.

Taking advantage of the weather we decided to explore the lodge a little more before heading back home.

I could live here, but the city beckons.

All the images contained in this post are my own.  

When He asks

When He asks...you do.  Whatever it is.  You have a choice of course, but not really, you know?  Because who in their right mind, once they've come to know Jesus, would want to ever live life without Him?  And if you're given an opportunity to do something for Him - even if it means it'll cost you more than you imagined - will you do it?  I mean, wouldn't you want to do it?

I've been faced with such a choice.

He has asked me to lay down my life for another.  And by that I don't mean dying for someone - not in the literal, physical sense - but dying to me.  My hopes.  My dreams.  Giving up my heart desires.

And trust Him.  

So He can do what He needs to do in that person's life.  And mine.

It's been difficult.

You see, I made a decision that was years in the making; years and years of neglect will eventually lead you to a place where your heart grows cold.  A place where the thought of this being your life.forever.is too much to bear.  It wasn't an easy decision either.  There was so much to consider; remembering that it wasn't just about me.  I've come close before - to the decision - but somehow always held back and tried again. But this time. It was enough.  I was done. 

Jesus came and spoke.  

Initially I couldn't hear clearly because my heart was in turmoil and my head so tired.  But I persisted in seeking Him; and He faithfully answered.

“You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:13

Only the answer wasn't what I hoped.  At least, not now; it would've been two months ago.  But not now; I'd crossed THE LINE.  The timing was all wrong.  

But He spoke. And I heard.

I've been fighting it. What He's asking. Wrestling with Him.

I haven't had peace.  

Until...
I said ok.  Have Your way.  I give you this broken heart, and trust You with it.

I won't lie: I'm not overjoyed, but I have peace and that for me is worth far more.  It means I made the right decision.  It means He is with me. 

“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” pHILIPPIANS 4:7

I don't know how it'll all play out, and truth be told I'm struggling to let go of my desires {and my hurts}, but I know that He is in control.  That He has my life in the palm of His hand.  I know He will work it all out for my good. 

I know He doesn't just fix things.  He makes them new.

So, I'm holding on.  I'm trusting in His goodness; in His grace.  I'm choosing hope.

Disclaimer:  All the images contained in this post are not my own.  If you have copyright to them, please contact me and I will remove them immediately.

And so it begins

And here it is...my blog.

Wait...My blog? 

Excuse me while I do a happy dance.

This feels so surreal, but I'm super excited...and a little scared too, if I'll be honest. But, like Peter, I've decided to step out the boat into the unknown, trusting the One Who said I should go.

So, I'm going.  And this is my first step.

“For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. 

I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.”

– Isaiah 43:19